Next time you are asking a client, staff member, or even a spouse or child a question pause beforehand and take a moment to ask yourself the most critical question of all: “Am I looking for answers and solutions - or am I looking to cast blame?” Think about this carefully. Consider the outcome you're looking for and which relationship you are attempting to build. Your question should seek information and solutions - not demand a defense.
Blame Questions often involve the words "I" or "You".
Example:
- "Why didn't you do this?"
- "Why don't I have the information you said you would send?"
Both of these questions require that the questionee becomes defensive - after all, they have just been challenged. This immediately inhibits their ability to provide a full, honest answer and possible solutions. Granted, sometimes you need to know "why" a person did or didn't do something - but getting to the real answers and solutions is only possible if the questionee can respond honestly and openly, rather than defensively.
Example Scenario 1: Imagine you are finding that key files are consistently misplaced by staff and it's causing large scale operation problems.
Blame Scenario: Maybe your first reaction is to say, “I can't find these important files. Who did this?” Immediately, the offending party is going to begin protecting their interests and may not be open to suggestion or feedback. The Blame Question has successfully stopped potential solutions.
Solution Scenario: It really isn’t important who misplaced the files - after all, knowing who is doing it doesn't fix the problem. The real goal is to have things put away properly so files can be found when they are needed. Let's rephrase the questions to say something like this: “We’ve noticed important information keeps being misplaced and it's causing complications. How can we keep this from happening in the future?”
Suddenly the question focuses on the solution, rather than the problem - blame has been removed from the conversation and solution-finding becomes a group effort.
Posing solution-oriented questions is especially effective in helping get the most out of the relationships with your Vendor and Service Providers, ensuring that you receive the best service. When facing a challenge with a Vendor, try contacting them with a description of the problem and a solution-oriented question. Remember that there's a good chance that mis-communication or misunderstanding is at the heart of the matter, so don't burn bridges before you know what is actually going on.
Example Scenario 2: A Service Provider does not complete a project by the deadline and your company is left in a lurch.
Blame Scenario: With emotions running high you may be tempted to ask, "Why didn't you do this right?" Already the Service Provider is on the defense - even if there was a legitimate reason that the project didn't get done on time.
Solution Scenario: If your goal is to have your Service Provider complete the project to the best of their ability then step back and ask the question more like this: “We noticed that that you completed 3 out of 4 items we requested, however, item 4 was not completed by the deadline. Is there additional information you might need? Were our directions clear? Is there anything that we can do to help facilitate the completion of this project as quickly as possible?”
Of course, even with solution-based questions you will always encounter individuals conditioned to respond on the defense. While this is frustrating to deal with, remember that it's still in your best interest to always lead with solution-based questions. It's a good habit and will yield better results in most cases.
Review:
- Building bridges and getting honest answers is to your advantage more than bridge burning and blame.
- Ask yourself what your real goals are before asking questions of others.
- Avoid beginning a conversation with blame, which demands a defensive answer.
- Encourage honest information and solutions by phrasing solution-oriented questions.
Posts
